Would you like flies with that?
Me: Hi how are you today?
Customer: Good! How are you?
Me: Fantastic. How are you?
Customer: Um…good. Can I get a slice of pizza?
It was a long day and I guess my autopilot started malfunctioning. Apparently I had been doing this to multiple customers without realizing it. My coworker pointed it out after a while. He thought I was intentionally messing with customers. I wasn’t :/
Why in the night sky are the lights hung? Why is the Earth moving round the sun? Floating in the vacuum with no purpose, not a one. Why in the night sky are the lights hung?
Here we go again…
So it’s day two of this blogfest, and I have run out of things to write about. Ok, bye…
No but seriously! How do people constantly write these things? Jeez this sucks! Alright. Maybe if I just started talking about my day I’ll have one of those meaningful moments where I realize something new and insightful about myself. You guys know what I’m talking about.
I suppose I can begin by saying today was actually a really good day. Why you ask? Well the answer should be obvious, it’s Friday! Woohoo, it’s Friday! Goodbye responsibility, see you next week!!!
False. Weekends are meaningless when you’re out of school and unemployed. That was a false reason to throw you off of the scent of the true reason. It’s what those in the literary business call a “red herring”. Bam! You just got educated!
But seriously today was a good day. Why was it a good day? Well I’m glad you asked. Today was a good day because I, Jeremy Tiberius Toews, mowed the lawn. Now you might be thinking to yourself, “that sounds lame” and congrats, you are absolutely correct. However, it is actually totally awesome compared to what I am normally doing throughout the day (I’d rather not go into detail but it includes dresses, dolls, and lot’s of perfume with a 3 year old girl).
Anyhoo. Mowing the lawn is super fun. Just me on the open pasture. Riding a 300 pound machine with the sun beating down on me, giving me that super sexy farmers tan I hear all the ladies love. Yea. Jealous? It’s okay if you are. I’m jealous of that earlier version of me just thinking about it.
Well it turned out the lawn hadn’t been mowed in a REALLY long time. Dan had this super duper cool idea of letting the lawn grow for over a month so the deer would have enough food to eat. So the end result was that I had lot’s and lot’s of grass to play in. It was insane. There were times when the engine almost died because there was so much grass, the blades couldn’t spin fast enough! My very life was on the line today. I’m not joking. What, don’t believe me?
There have been numerous cases of lawns setting on fire because people run over rocks, which hit the blades spinning at ludicrous speeds, resulting in a spark, which then turns the entire lawn into a raging inferno. It’s true. My nosy neighbor Dave (great guy btw’s, love him to death) came out and told me this while I was mowing! Talk about a reality check. Here I was floating along without a care in the world while unwittingly driving this fire-breathing death contraption all over a dry field on one of the hottest days of the year! I almost quit right then and there.
But being that crazy heroic dude with the courage of a lion, I valiantly continued mowing…alright, I guess it was mostly because I didn’t want to give safety-douche Dave (seriously, AWESOME guy) the satisfaction of seeing me listen to his totally reasonable advice. That’s just the way I is.
Needless to say I got right back on that mower and the entire lawn burst into flames and I died a horrible, horrible death.
Gotcha! I didn’t really die. No, I’m still in intensive care, they are waiting to see if I’ll make it through the night.
Well it’s been fun, if anyone read this then I am really sorry. Mostly because it means you are at home on a Friday night, just like me. But that’s ok, honestly I am enjoying this time at home. It won’t be long and I’ll be wishing for days like these. Everyone in the world is always in such a hurry, I guess that’s why they call it the human race (Lol). There will be plenty of time to rush around later, so it’s important not to take the little things for granted now. Like mowing the lawn, or playing dress up with your niece while she’s still young enough to want to do EVERYTHING with you. Not much can compare to things like that.
Yeah, today was a pretty good day.
A day in the life.
So today some old guy at the used bookstore asked me if I kept a diary. Naturally I told him no, I have a penis. He ignored this and continued to tell me that once I get to his age there are going to be all kinds of things that I can’t remember and will be very distraught when I can’t. He said his diary was the only thing that connected him to his past. Without it he couldn’t be sure if certain memories were real, or if he had dreamt them up. He has kept a diary for the past 60 years, starting sometime when he was around 20. He told me he wrote in it every day no matter how lame a day he had.
He even carried his diary ON HAND so that if anything exciting happened, he could write it down then and there, ensuring no detail got left behind. I couldn’t believe it, but sure enough, he pulled that old beat up leather book out of his back pocket. Then, flipping to the first page, he honored me by reading aloud that first entry he ever made over 60 years ago!
So as I walked away from him mid-sentence (sorry but that was going on way too long already) I started to consider the possibility of me keeping a diary. Then very abruptly I put it off as sort of a waste of time. I mean, I don’t mean to brag, but I have a super duper awesome memory. Like seriously, I remember the spaghooter (thanks Miguel) out of most things.
After I got home from the bookstore, I decided to take a shower to rid myself of the smell of old people. Jackson is crawling with those geezers. While I was in there I got to thinking — the shower is where I do all my serious meditating — I’ve had a number of older folks tell me how super cool it is to keep a diary. Sure, I have the memory of a highly sophisticated super computer NOW, but will it always be that way? If I were a betting man…and I’m not…I would say that in the next 10 to 60-ish years, my memories might start getting a wee fuzzy.
I started thinking that maybe there was some value in keeping a diary. But then I realized how gay it was to keep a diary. And just like that all the pieces came together in one glorious flash of brilliance. I would start a web log. Or, blog, as I like to call it for short. It made so much sense. Blogs were hip, happening, hot-diggety ham, they were what all the cool kids were doing! I knew I was a tad late in hopping on the proverbial bandwagon, but by golly I didn’t give a rat’s arse.
So, in the hopes that this will keep me from becoming a sad empty shell of a human being once I reach my Septuagenarian years (thanks Eric) I will become…wait for it…a blogger!
This has been my first, and probably only post ever. All the above events are true, with a few minor exceptions (i.e. I did not say penis to an elderly person)
(If anyone is still reading this, I apologize. Also, I want you to keep in mind that I have been sitting at home for the past 2 months with nothing but a 3 year old and 5 cats for company. I’M FRIKKEN BORED!!! As you can see, lack of human contact and the intense summer heat have finally boiled my brain. So to ensure my life will be remembered, and to keep myself from any further embarrassment, I’m going to wrap it up and go ahead and post this all over the internet)
